That gloomy feeling!

Okay, so I only lost a pound but at least it's in the right direction. I have tortured myself the last few days as you may have seen from earlier WW status updates, but for what reason? I'd been good all week, I'd exercised, I'd turned down cake when it was offered and I didn't even have a pancake! so why did I put myself through this mental torture?

At the start of my new way of eating (I hesitate to say diet), I swore that I wouldn't worry about having the odd treat etc, but now that I have lost over a stone I beat myself up everytime I give into snack attacks (that ususally involves crispbreads and wafer thin ham); I wouldn't care but I still point them up, so it's not as though I'm out of control. I think my disappointment at only losing a pound stems from the fact that now that I've started to lose the weight (I didn't think that I ever would), it can't come off fast enough. I have visions of the beautiful new clothes that I'm going to buy, being my own version of Venus on the beach (I have the Bananarama song Venus going through my head - "baby she's got it..."), and having heads turn as I enter the ballroom at Xmas in my beautiful full length figure hugging ballgown.

So, my mini target this week is to try and lose at least 2lbs, I'll continue with the aquafit (always good for a laugh), swimming as well as sessions in hot fog and the bubble bath (otherwise known as the steam room and jacuzzi).

3 weeks, 14 1/2 pounds and 1 dress size

Not that I want to gloat or anything, well yes I do, but I've lost 4lbs this week bringing my total to 14 1/2lbs off.  Wow, I've been so afraid of failure that I can't believe just how easy I've found this - why didn't I do this before?  I've been trying on ball gowns today, (tents that pass for ball gowns in varying shades of black), some of which haven't fit for a year or so; it's such a boost when you find that in just 3 weeks they now all fit.  I have to say though, I can't wait for the day when they're all too big, no longer will I feel like the elephant in the room when at the works xmas do's, no longer will I look like the fat bint in the black sack wobbling like a jelly on the dance floor and no longer will I feel ashamed of how I look.  I'm actually looking forward to the summer now and to the day I can wear shorts again, something I haven't done for years and do I dare say it, a bikini!  Ooh maybe not, but to look nice in a nice swimsuit would be good.

On the swimming front, I've been twice this week and oh my days I shared the jacuzzi and steamroom with some of the Donny Rovers team again!  Certainly gives you a good reason to go!!

I must confess to one fear; that of the saggy skin after large weightloss syndrome; the thoughts of being able to pull up my arms and legs because of all the loose flesh and ending up with saggy boobs that end at my waist really worries me, no, terrifies me.  I have visions of looking like an old hag; at the moment I look young for my 47 years (so I'm told) because I don't have any wrinkles - is that because the fat's pushing them out??  I am also rather concerned that I will end up looking like Granma out of George's Marvelous Medcine "her mouths puckered like a dog's bottom", ooh the thought!

Anyway, small steps, and keep trying those clothes on, ooh and the odd length or 2 followed by something hot and steamy!

The journey continues

Having completed week 2 I am pleased to announce another 3 pounds off, that's 3/4 of a stone so far. As I reflect on the 2 weeks that I've supposedly been on a diet, it really doesn't feel like one, I find myself wondering why on earth I ever allowed myself to end up at this point. I don't overeat, not really, I have a large bone structure, that broken biscuit doesn't count, that extra slice of bread won't make any difference; the list goes on and on. Who was I trying to kid? Certainly not my husband or friends and family and certainly not myself if I'm truely honest. When you find yourself burying wrappers at the bottom of the bin then there really is something to worry about, I felt like an alcoholic hiding the bottles so no one would find them; I've come to realise that food is like an addiction, no different to alcoholism really, that's certainly how it feels to me. You see, I enjoy food - I like the way it tastes, I like that feeling of being full, I look forward to meal times and I love puddings and anything sweet, but unlike alcohol it's not something that you can give up completely and that is the crux of it - I was really scared of failing, it was just easier to carry on eating, and so the problem became self perpetuating - my 'catch 22'. So what made me finally realise that I really couldn't continue like this? The answer is fairly simple really - I hated what I had become. I was always self conscious especially at the Xmas parties where I would look at all the women in the room and think think that I was the fattest person there, which I probably was! And the feeling that my husband must be embarrassed or ashamed of the way I looked, though he never ever said anything and wouldn't, though I do know that he was and is concerned for my health. And finally, watching the biggest loser on tele and watching the reaction of the woman, not much older than me, or heavier for that matter, who was told that she had a life expectancy of just 15 years. Wow, that was a sobering thought, so much so that I went to Weight Watchers the very next week, and so here I am, 3/4 of a stone lighter and looking forward to meeting a much thinner me, eventually.

Day 7 - 7 1/2 pounds - woohoo

Wow, 1/2 stone off! All my fears about not being able to eat my favourite foods are completely unfounded, I can't believe it. Exercise has obviously helped and I have been strict with what I have eaten, no nibbling between meals or eating the wrong things like cake and sweets, this is certainly the spurt I needed - hubby is over the moon. Now for week 2 - will need to carry on what I've started. Onwards and upwards as they say. Looking forward to swimming on Sunday, you never know we might be treated again to the lovely eye candy that is the Donny Rovers footballers. Mind you, listening to them gossip, I found out that one of them likes his girlfriends so thin that he actually weighs them! Can't believe any woman would allow this to happen. Another wow I think!

Day 5 - There may be trouble ahead

Had real doubts last night whilst tucking into home made chilli - all propointed up mind you! It's the old adage, can I really eat all this? Will certainly find out on Thursday. I've had an excellent day today and didn't give food a thought - unheard of! I even went swimming tonight straight from work, feel completely relaxed and enjoyed fish when I got home. Lots of propoints left so may even enjoy a small wine spritzer later on.

Day 4 - so far so good

Well, I'm now on day 4 of my new food regime.  Things have been going good; I had curry and wine on Friday night, bolognese and a small glass of beer on Saturday and some very nice chicken with onion gravy on Sunday night!! Wow, can I really eat this sort of food and even have a small glass of wine or beer?  I've measured, weighed and propointed my portions using my very handy calculator and according to them, yes I can! and I haven't even managed to get up to my propoint allowance of 37 but average out at about 29.  Life is good, I just hope that I lose a few pounds by weigh-in on Thursday.   The proof as they say will be in the pudding.

Exercise wise, I haven't been doing much lately, mainly due to an op' last summer but I walked to town and back on Saturday and spent a very nice couple of hours with friends swimming on Sunday morning.  I'm even on planning swimming with a work colleague on Tuesday's after work - crikey, I've never been so active, not for a long while.  I have to admit though swimming generally involves swimming then jacuzzi, then sauna or steam room, or both, a bit more swimming and a bit more jacuzzing - have to keep up with the gos' you realise.

So far, so good!

Facing facts!

I have finally plucked up the courage and faced the reality that, yes, I am fat!  I need to lose weight and I need to start feeling better about myself.  I found myself stood on the threshold of my local Weight Watchers class (I've been here before, not this class but another, and am now a lapsed life time member - as the lady on reception very kindly pointed out to me).  Anyway, I got weighed and oh dear god how could I let this happen.  I daren't tell you my weight yet but needless to say, any of you weight watchers out there will understand that I must be quite hefty to be given a  propoints allowance of 37!

I feel quite depressed at the thought of now not being able to have the foods and wine, oh yes you can't forget the wine, that I enjoy an am worried that I won't have the resolve to carry this forward for the many months ahead.

Still, size 12 dress here I come!!!